DOING: Lying in bed, writing this post. I had my first appointment with a new psychologist today (spoiler alert, she's amazing), and the first session with a therapist is always really emotional and tiring. I had some time in lieu owed to me from work, so I have taken full advantage of that today. Mum and Dad are taking Isaac to their bush block for the night and he was SO excited. I am really grateful for this rest.
HEARING: My "piano" playlist. Currently one of my favourite songs is playing - "You" by Matteo Myderwyk.
DRINKING: Right now, I am having a Remedy Kombucha, the apple crisp flavour. So good! I am still always drinking coffee, water and am favouring peppermint tea at the minute too. New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is making regular Friday night appearances as well...
EATING & COOKING: I have been eating more crap than usual over the last couple of weeks. There have been birthdays, farewells etc happening in my office and there has been quite a few treats at morning teas that tend to be snacked on all day. Isaac is currently loving mashed vegetables, which is weird/great. I made a potato/sweet potato mash to go with dinner the other night and now he is requesting mash to go with most of his meals. I have been getting quite a lot of other vegetables in there for him too, I don't have high hopes of this phase lasting long! He is also obsessed with blueberries and Happy Way Kids Bars. My cooking hasn't been very creative lately, just the usual stuff like stir fries, some kind of meat with lots of vegetables, hard boiled eggs, tuna and salad wraps and smoothies are all kind of standard at the minute. In November, I have signed up to get a weekly fruit and vegetable box from a local Tassie farm that will be delivered to us until the end of April. I am so excited for that. Supporting a small business, getting organic fruit and veg that will be so much tastier and nutritionally better is something I am hoping to do more of.
WANTING: To feel like a good Mum. To heal from the journey I've been on for the last two and a half years. To stop beating myself up over things I can't control.
LOOKING: I'm really looking forward to working more with my psychologist. I haven't ever felt as at-home and understood by a professional (except for my psychiatrist when I was in the Mother Baby Unit), and I have been seeing psychologists on and off for nearly ten years, so it's feeling good. Scary and hard and emotional, but good.
DECIDING: What to buy Isaac for Christmas... I'm thinking maybe a mud-kitchen, or his first bike with pedals. I would love to get him some kind of cubby house but far out, they are expensive.
READING: A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles. I am loving it! Such beautiful writing. I keep taking little breaks here and there because I don't want it to end. I have been reading Celeste Barber's book Challenge Accepted as well - that woman is hilarious! I love her.
WATCHING: I finished Atypical a couple of weeks ago and absolutely loved it. I have also started How to Get Away With Murder which is fascinating/addictive. Reid and I have been watching Outlander and also the latest season of Orange is the New Black depending on our mood.
WEARING: Clothes that are a size smaller than I was! I have a long way to go, but I am feeling fitter and stronger, and most of my clothes are too baggy now which is great/a bit annoying. I am really trying to drum into myself that health is possible at every size. I have been through so much and my body has copped a lot - hormone craziness, an insane amount of medication changes, huge stress and anxiety - it's going to take a while for me to get healthy both inside and out.
ENJOYING: My lunch time gym sessions.
PLAYING: Isaac is loving play dough, anything he can do outside and as usual, racing around with his trucks. He also loves to rescue things with a $5 crane we got him from K-Mart a few weeks ago. He will put his trucks really close to the edge of the couch/table and say "help me! I'm falling!" Then he runs to get the crane which will rescue them, and often he says "help, I need an ambulance!" Off he goes to get that and repeat. So cute.
PLANNING: The event I am organising for PANDA in November. I am in the middle of writing a song that I will play during an afternoon tea to raise funds for this wonderful cause that is obviously very close to my heart. I'm calling the event "Melodies for Maternal Mental Health". I like alliteration. Obviously. Candid Katy - case in point.
CRAVING: Right now, I am honestly craving vegetables. Too many treats this week...
SAVOURING: Beautiful moments with Isaac. When I'm struggling with motherhood (which feels like most of the time), I try so hard to focus on these moments. He is Mummy's boy for now and he loves me so much, I am so grateful for his trust in me.
FEELING: I feel like a walking contradiction most of the time. Like I have two personalities. The organised, capable, "together" side and the overwhelmed, grieving, anxious side. Things have been more up and down than usual and my need for extra help has become incredibly obvious. I'm working on it. I feel so grateful all the time, which then makes me feel guilty because I'm not happy all the time, even though I know that nobody is happy all the time. The expectations I put on myself are still incredibly unrealistic and I struggle to see most things rationally. Get it together please brain. I'm a bit over it! I need a nap now.
Happenings posts inspired by Heidi
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