Music is another form of therapy for me. Writing and music along with professional help and medication are the things I turn to for help and to cope. Whenever I hear things that make me feel slightly more understood, that resonate with me profoundly and help get things out in the open about mental health issues, I feel that they are definitely worth sharing and talking about.
The song "Heavy" by Linkin Park has been one of my favourites since the first time I heard it. It's not new, but it has been in my head for days now and it's compelled me to write about it. The lyrics are so spot on when it comes to my own journey, it's honestly as if I could have written it myself.
I'm going to share the song lyrics here, then write some of my own thoughts and reflections about how I have connected with this song and used it as personal therapy at times.
The line, "I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic" really strikes a cord with me, and is part of my self development and improvement goals, trying to fight back against the "comfort" that can be found in the uncomfortable. That may come across as a confusing contradiction, but I think sometimes, it is easier to fall into the darkness, than it is to fight to reach the light. I have found myself in that situation a few times, and it's only in the last few years that I have really taken this on as something I need to improve upon. Every single day I make the decision to fight against the fear. Exposure therapy is probably to thank for that. It was only through gradual exposure to things that make me so uncomfortable that I am now more able to deal with a situation that makes me anxious. But that absolutely does not make it easy, don't get me wrong.
"You say that I'm paranoid, but I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me". This mention of paranoia (along with the line ...I drive myself crazy, thinking everything's about me) is such a huge part of my anxiety. I feel like the minute I am feeling anxious, people are judging me for everything. They can see I'm pathetic and weak and am clearly struggling at things that are normal. They think I'm crazy. They think I'm attention seeking. They think I should be over it all by now and that I should be fixed. I realise this is all in my head, and "I know I'm not the centre of the universe" but this is anxiety. There is no explaining it. It just... is.
"It's not like I make the choice, to let my mind stay so f***ing messy". The idea that these thoughts or mental health as a whole, can be controlled, is often something thrown in the face of someone who is struggling - I completely believe in therapy, strategies and medication to help manage these things but it's not like there is an on and off switch - if there was, don't you think mental health issues would not exist at all?? Why would anyone choose to suffer and be stuck in a cycle of fear, pain and dread? It's not a choice.
Creative outlets can be so healing. Writing and music are mine and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity and ability to recognise how important these things are in my life. The heart breaking thing is that the lead singer of Linkin Park, one of the people who wrote this song, lost his life to suicide - these issues are so serious and so potentially destructive. I am forever thankful to artists who share their struggles in ways like this. Not only does it show incredible strength (along with their talents), but it is all steps to reduce stigma and educate the masses about the very real impact that mental health has on individuals and on society.
The song "Heavy" by Linkin Park has been one of my favourites since the first time I heard it. It's not new, but it has been in my head for days now and it's compelled me to write about it. The lyrics are so spot on when it comes to my own journey, it's honestly as if I could have written it myself.
I'm going to share the song lyrics here, then write some of my own thoughts and reflections about how I have connected with this song and used it as personal therapy at times.
Heavy - Linkin Park
I don't like my mind right now,
stacking up problems that are so unnecessary,
Wish that I could slow things down,
I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic.
And I drive myself crazy, thinking everything's about me,
Yeah, I drive myself crazy, 'cause I can't escape the gravity.
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
Holding on,
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I'm paranoid,
but I'm pretty sure, the world is out to get me
It's not like I make the choice
to let my mind stay so f***ing messy
I know I'm not the centre of the universe,
but you keep spinning 'round me just the same,
I know I'm not the centre of the universe,
but you keep spinning 'round me just the same.
The line, "I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic" really strikes a cord with me, and is part of my self development and improvement goals, trying to fight back against the "comfort" that can be found in the uncomfortable. That may come across as a confusing contradiction, but I think sometimes, it is easier to fall into the darkness, than it is to fight to reach the light. I have found myself in that situation a few times, and it's only in the last few years that I have really taken this on as something I need to improve upon. Every single day I make the decision to fight against the fear. Exposure therapy is probably to thank for that. It was only through gradual exposure to things that make me so uncomfortable that I am now more able to deal with a situation that makes me anxious. But that absolutely does not make it easy, don't get me wrong.
"You say that I'm paranoid, but I'm pretty sure the world is out to get me". This mention of paranoia (along with the line ...I drive myself crazy, thinking everything's about me) is such a huge part of my anxiety. I feel like the minute I am feeling anxious, people are judging me for everything. They can see I'm pathetic and weak and am clearly struggling at things that are normal. They think I'm crazy. They think I'm attention seeking. They think I should be over it all by now and that I should be fixed. I realise this is all in my head, and "I know I'm not the centre of the universe" but this is anxiety. There is no explaining it. It just... is.
"It's not like I make the choice, to let my mind stay so f***ing messy". The idea that these thoughts or mental health as a whole, can be controlled, is often something thrown in the face of someone who is struggling - I completely believe in therapy, strategies and medication to help manage these things but it's not like there is an on and off switch - if there was, don't you think mental health issues would not exist at all?? Why would anyone choose to suffer and be stuck in a cycle of fear, pain and dread? It's not a choice.
Creative outlets can be so healing. Writing and music are mine and I'm so grateful to have the opportunity and ability to recognise how important these things are in my life. The heart breaking thing is that the lead singer of Linkin Park, one of the people who wrote this song, lost his life to suicide - these issues are so serious and so potentially destructive. I am forever thankful to artists who share their struggles in ways like this. Not only does it show incredible strength (along with their talents), but it is all steps to reduce stigma and educate the masses about the very real impact that mental health has on individuals and on society.
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