DOING: Typing this post while looking at our newly erected Christmas tree.
HEARING: The click of Reid's video game controls and a clip of trucks that Isaac is watching on the iPad.
DRINKING: Right now, a peppermint tea. Often - coffee, water, green tea, wine.
EATING AND COOKING: Right now I have some lamb in the slow cooker and will soon roast some dutch cream potatoes, and steam some carrots, corn and broccolini and make some gravy for what has become a Sunday evening tradition over the last few months. It is really tricky for us to eat as a family most nights through the week. Isaac is generally exhausted from childcare and still goes to bed fairly early (although he is fighting that so much at the minute) and he often has leftovers or even just a sandwich/toast/eggs depending on his mood the second we get him in the door, so I am trying to make an effort to have meals together over the weekend. We all love a roast, and there is generally enough for a leftover mini roast or two for Isaac during the week or for a couple of Reid's lunches.
Other than that my cooking has been very limited over the last couple of weeks and I haven'e been focusing on my nutrition as much as usual. It's been a busy and tiring time, and I have been and am still very much in "survival mode".
WANTING: To be able to react to Isaac in a more compassionate way on a consistent basis. To be more patient. To be kinder to myself. To realise that I can't do everything and be everything to everyone all the time, and that's OK. To be able to know the best way to support my Mum through the unexpected loss of my Grandma two weeks ago. To see my Grandad more. To continue to cherish every second I spend with my Nan - turns out I'm wanting a lot of things...
DECIDING: What to do to celebrate my 30th birthday in a couple of months. I'm thinking a big family gathering at my parent's place with good music, lots of fairy lights, delicious food and plenty of wine. I might do some smaller catch ups here and there with friends as well. Who knows!
LOOKING: At our Christmas tree and my beautiful piano.
ENJOYING: The prospect of a two and a half week break from work over Christmas. I can't wait for mornings at the beach, afternoon wines, barbecue dinners and no doubt lots of paddling pool fun in the backyard with Isaac. Lots of time with Reid and Isaac - limited plans and warm weather.
WATCHING: We have started watching the new season of Outlander on Netflix and also Peaky Blinders. I just finished the latest season of Atypical which I loved. We only really have 20 minutes a night or so of TV time at the minute with Isaac's current bed time resistance. It takes a looong time to get through anything at the minute...
READING: I always have a few things on the go at the minute. I am about a quarter of the way through Educated by Tara Westover which is so fascinating. I just finished a beautiful book of poetry called The Moonflower Monologues by Tess Guirney which was just such a gorgeous read, and my psychologist Sarah Purvey, has also just released a book called Keep Sane and Parent On which is really helpful so far. My sessions with her are such an important part of my life, it's taken me a lot of psychologists to find one who is the perfect fit for me, and her book is an easy to read, practical approach to coping in today's parenting world - highly recommend.
BUYING: Stuff for Christmas. But not too much stuff. I really struggle with the consumerist Christmas hype and the general ungrateful "more, more, more" vibe I get in today's society. We have just started a reverse advent calendar, so every day Isaac is choosing a toy or two that he doesn't play with much anymore and we are going to donate it to a charity or a local family in need on Christmas Eve or early in the new year. He is getting a trampoline for his main gift which I know he will get years of use out of and we got a really good deal. He will also get a few small stocking stuffers from "Santa", and some clothes he needs (he is growing SO FAST), and probably a book to unwrap. I have nearly finished shopping for most of my family as well, but still have a few more things to get/figure out what to get!
PLANNING: Our trip to Singapore in April! I am really excited but also really nervous about the travelling itself, so am trying to be really prepared with things to keep Isaac happy/occupied on the flight over especially. I am looking into a few cool travel kits that I think will be good, and we will have the iPad too, but he really doesn't show much interest in screens for longer than 20-30 minutes or so before getting bored and wanting to play/run around - so it's going to be a fairly interesting 8 hour flight I think...
CRAVING: Sugar. It's not great. But also vegetables, smoothies full of spinach and foods I know I need. I have felt nauseated every day since my Grandma passed away. I have been taking a lot of medication to help me cope, which I know affects my cravings and mood and general well being, but I literally have to do what I have to do at the minute to not just collapse in a heap. "Life goes on" and I am struggling with that concept.
LOVING: My family. Reid, Isaac, my parents. My Nan. My Grandad. Memories of my Grandma.
SAVOURING: Cuddles from Isaac. I just love it when he nuzzles into me or runs into my arms for a big squeeze. I love being his safe place.
FEELING: Exhausted. Sad. On edge. Inadequate. Not many positive things at the minute. Losing Grandma was a big shock, and I certainly haven't had time to process it properly. Death and grief are fairly new to me (Nanna Sue, Uncle Ken and Reid's Nan <3) and my brain and my heart truly can't fathom the sense of loss that I'm feeling. It's been different each time, and this time... I can't put things into words. I try to journal about it and I wrote Grandma a letter which kind of helped, and the morning she passed away I sat at the piano for about two hours and just played and played and composed a song for her, and that helped a bit too, but I feel sick all the time. I have a headache all the time. I am terrified of losing my Nan or my Grandad or heaven forbid my Mum or Dad all the time. I am angry all the time and I feel guilty for not making more effort with Grandma (and even being frustrated with her sometimes) and mostly for not telling her how much she meant to me. I don't even think I realised how much she really meant to me until she was so suddenly gone. Until I walked into that hospital room and saw her dying right in front of my eyes. She has always been there. She loved her grandchildren so fiercely and was so proud of us all. She came to every single netball game, every piano Eisteddfod, every Grandparents Day at school, every birthday, every Christmas. I have so many beautiful memories of times with her and I know she knew I loved her, I did tell her that all the time, but I know I could have tried harder. Been more compassionate. More understanding. Asked her more questions about her difficult childhood and told her that it was amazing that she was so incredibly loving despite it all. She was kind, thoughtful, dependable and she did her best for us all, and I am heartbroken that she is gone.
HEARING: The click of Reid's video game controls and a clip of trucks that Isaac is watching on the iPad.
DRINKING: Right now, a peppermint tea. Often - coffee, water, green tea, wine.
EATING AND COOKING: Right now I have some lamb in the slow cooker and will soon roast some dutch cream potatoes, and steam some carrots, corn and broccolini and make some gravy for what has become a Sunday evening tradition over the last few months. It is really tricky for us to eat as a family most nights through the week. Isaac is generally exhausted from childcare and still goes to bed fairly early (although he is fighting that so much at the minute) and he often has leftovers or even just a sandwich/toast/eggs depending on his mood the second we get him in the door, so I am trying to make an effort to have meals together over the weekend. We all love a roast, and there is generally enough for a leftover mini roast or two for Isaac during the week or for a couple of Reid's lunches.
Other than that my cooking has been very limited over the last couple of weeks and I haven'e been focusing on my nutrition as much as usual. It's been a busy and tiring time, and I have been and am still very much in "survival mode".
WANTING: To be able to react to Isaac in a more compassionate way on a consistent basis. To be more patient. To be kinder to myself. To realise that I can't do everything and be everything to everyone all the time, and that's OK. To be able to know the best way to support my Mum through the unexpected loss of my Grandma two weeks ago. To see my Grandad more. To continue to cherish every second I spend with my Nan - turns out I'm wanting a lot of things...
DECIDING: What to do to celebrate my 30th birthday in a couple of months. I'm thinking a big family gathering at my parent's place with good music, lots of fairy lights, delicious food and plenty of wine. I might do some smaller catch ups here and there with friends as well. Who knows!
LOOKING: At our Christmas tree and my beautiful piano.
ENJOYING: The prospect of a two and a half week break from work over Christmas. I can't wait for mornings at the beach, afternoon wines, barbecue dinners and no doubt lots of paddling pool fun in the backyard with Isaac. Lots of time with Reid and Isaac - limited plans and warm weather.
WATCHING: We have started watching the new season of Outlander on Netflix and also Peaky Blinders. I just finished the latest season of Atypical which I loved. We only really have 20 minutes a night or so of TV time at the minute with Isaac's current bed time resistance. It takes a looong time to get through anything at the minute...
READING: I always have a few things on the go at the minute. I am about a quarter of the way through Educated by Tara Westover which is so fascinating. I just finished a beautiful book of poetry called The Moonflower Monologues by Tess Guirney which was just such a gorgeous read, and my psychologist Sarah Purvey, has also just released a book called Keep Sane and Parent On which is really helpful so far. My sessions with her are such an important part of my life, it's taken me a lot of psychologists to find one who is the perfect fit for me, and her book is an easy to read, practical approach to coping in today's parenting world - highly recommend.
BUYING: Stuff for Christmas. But not too much stuff. I really struggle with the consumerist Christmas hype and the general ungrateful "more, more, more" vibe I get in today's society. We have just started a reverse advent calendar, so every day Isaac is choosing a toy or two that he doesn't play with much anymore and we are going to donate it to a charity or a local family in need on Christmas Eve or early in the new year. He is getting a trampoline for his main gift which I know he will get years of use out of and we got a really good deal. He will also get a few small stocking stuffers from "Santa", and some clothes he needs (he is growing SO FAST), and probably a book to unwrap. I have nearly finished shopping for most of my family as well, but still have a few more things to get/figure out what to get!
PLANNING: Our trip to Singapore in April! I am really excited but also really nervous about the travelling itself, so am trying to be really prepared with things to keep Isaac happy/occupied on the flight over especially. I am looking into a few cool travel kits that I think will be good, and we will have the iPad too, but he really doesn't show much interest in screens for longer than 20-30 minutes or so before getting bored and wanting to play/run around - so it's going to be a fairly interesting 8 hour flight I think...
CRAVING: Sugar. It's not great. But also vegetables, smoothies full of spinach and foods I know I need. I have felt nauseated every day since my Grandma passed away. I have been taking a lot of medication to help me cope, which I know affects my cravings and mood and general well being, but I literally have to do what I have to do at the minute to not just collapse in a heap. "Life goes on" and I am struggling with that concept.
LOVING: My family. Reid, Isaac, my parents. My Nan. My Grandad. Memories of my Grandma.
SAVOURING: Cuddles from Isaac. I just love it when he nuzzles into me or runs into my arms for a big squeeze. I love being his safe place.
FEELING: Exhausted. Sad. On edge. Inadequate. Not many positive things at the minute. Losing Grandma was a big shock, and I certainly haven't had time to process it properly. Death and grief are fairly new to me (Nanna Sue, Uncle Ken and Reid's Nan <3) and my brain and my heart truly can't fathom the sense of loss that I'm feeling. It's been different each time, and this time... I can't put things into words. I try to journal about it and I wrote Grandma a letter which kind of helped, and the morning she passed away I sat at the piano for about two hours and just played and played and composed a song for her, and that helped a bit too, but I feel sick all the time. I have a headache all the time. I am terrified of losing my Nan or my Grandad or heaven forbid my Mum or Dad all the time. I am angry all the time and I feel guilty for not making more effort with Grandma (and even being frustrated with her sometimes) and mostly for not telling her how much she meant to me. I don't even think I realised how much she really meant to me until she was so suddenly gone. Until I walked into that hospital room and saw her dying right in front of my eyes. She has always been there. She loved her grandchildren so fiercely and was so proud of us all. She came to every single netball game, every piano Eisteddfod, every Grandparents Day at school, every birthday, every Christmas. I have so many beautiful memories of times with her and I know she knew I loved her, I did tell her that all the time, but I know I could have tried harder. Been more compassionate. More understanding. Asked her more questions about her difficult childhood and told her that it was amazing that she was so incredibly loving despite it all. She was kind, thoughtful, dependable and she did her best for us all, and I am heartbroken that she is gone.
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