DOING: Typing this post and taking some deep breaths. It has been a massive few weeks. The COVID-19 situation is impacting everyone in different ways. I try to remain as positive as physically possible and hold onto the perspective that I am ultimately very lucky to be in the position I am. While this is true, it doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. We decided for a number of reasons to pull Isaac out of childcare temporarily in early March. This is my current weekday schedule:
- 5:30am - get up (if Isaac isn't already awake), shower, make coffee, stumble to my at-home office set up and turn on my work computer
- 6am - 10am - work. Amongst this four hours of "work" time, Isaac will inevitably have one or two meltdowns minimum, because I'm working. Reid has been able to negotiate to start work later, so he is in charge of Isaac's breakfast/play until 10am, when he leaves for work and he will usually bring me some breakfast during this time as well. I will often pop up to stretch my legs, make the beds, put on a load of washing and likely make a second coffee.
- 10am - play with Isaac. Usually me lying on the floor while he jumps/flips over me and asks me to tickle him before he runs away. Then runs back to be tickled. "TICKLE ME!" - a very common sentence in our household at the moment.
- 10:30am - log back on to work for our morning video meeting.
- 10:45am - 11:30am - go outside with Isaac if the weather allows (please God, let the weather allow), go for a short walk, peg out the washing from earlier, prep vegetables etc for dinner if there isn't something already organised.
- 11:30am - 1pm - work. Isaac has the iPad during this time. He's never happy about it.
- 1pm - 3pm - Isaac and I have lunch together, then head back outside for at least an hour when it's not raining or blowing a gale. Trampoline time is generally the first activity. Isaac's current favourite game is me sitting on the trampoline while he bounces, and I throw a soft ball around trying to hit him, kind of like dodge ball with more of a "cranky four year old eventually trying to throw a ball at my face" kind of vibe. We will also use this time to do some letter/number recognition with puzzles or drawing or scavenger hunts or looking at different activity/sticker books. Playdough and painting is sometimes done, LEGO or blocks are regular favourites, sometimes "What's the Time Mr Wolf" is played and there is always some form of "wrestling/tickling" played, because "it's the funniest thing ever Mummy!!" I also squeeze housework in here. Getting washing in, folding, putting away, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms and toilets - all the fun stuff (I don't do every single one of these daily, but at least weekly, vacuuming about four times a day, however).
- 3pm - 5pm - work. Isaac has the iPad here, and again, he's not usually happy about it after 20 minutes or so, and many, many snacks are required (for both of us).
- 5 - 6pm - Reid gets home, dinner is cooked and eaten, Isaac has a bath or a shower.
- 6:30pm - Isaac gets into his pyjamas, we read him two stories and he goes to bed.
- 6:45pm - 7:30pm-ish - Isaac needs a song or two sung to him, he needs the blankets pulled up about 15 times, he needs to go the toilet, he needs Mummy to please lie down with him "just for a little minute" then he needs at least two more cuddles, one more little song please (we don't always just follow through with these requests FYI, these are just the things that are always tried). Usually things go quiet between 7:15 and 7:45, depending on the night.
- 7:30pm-ish - I reach for the chocolate, attempt to watch an episode of a TV show with Reid.
- 8:30pm - Brush teeth, wash face, get into bed, read a book for approximately 15 minutes.
- 9pm - Sleep.
It's full on. It's exhausting. Again, I know other people have it a LOT harder than me, but I am struggling. I would be lying if I said I was coping well and not losing my shit on a regular basis. Wednesdays are still my day off which are basically the same as above but with a lot more playing/baking/walking/tickling/dancing/housework/me begging for Isaac to play on his own for like... five minutes or so. Weekends are the same again, except I have backup from Reid.
I'm tired.
HEARING: My iTunes "piano" playlist. Isaac's voice asking Reid to help him build a race track.
DRINKING: Nothing right now. Generally; too much coffee, too much wine, occasional herbal tea and lots of water.
BUYING: Not a lot at the minute. We have been saving quite a decent amount over the last few weeks. I am certainly not going to any shops. Reid gets our groceries. I have done a couple of online shopping purchases over Easter but nothing significant. I did do a K-Mart online order and got a lovely little bookcase and coffee table to make a little "reading nook" for myself which looks beautiful but is obviously never used because... needy (yet often delightful, don't get me wrong) four year old.
EATING AND COOKING: Man. Eating. It's a problem. Not in general, but right now, my emotional eating is fairly out of control... Isaac loves to help me bake, which is a good way to spend time, but oh heeeeyyy cupcakes, chocolate cake, chocolate pudding, custard - whatever! Reid has been buying blocks of chocolate for me to have through the week for his own safety I believe. It's both helpful and not bloody helpful. I'm obviously not going to the gym right now and I really miss it. I am trying to fit in time to exercise but if you saw my schedule above... I am fairly time poor and also really freaking tired. I did dust off my old Zumba exercise DVDs and did a workout which ended in a HUGE tantrum from Isaac (and me)... we are going for a little walk most days, and keeping up with Isaac generally uses a substantial amount of energy, but it's not enough.
I have been cooking things to try and have our freezer stocked and enough healthy options to get us through. The usual things like stir fries and veg-heavy-curries. I made a lasagne last week, we still have a roast meal most Sundays which we all love. I made a big chicken and vegetable pasta bake recently that lasted a few days. I love carbs. My go-to lunch for Isaac is poached eggs on toast, he loves it. He eats two or three "snack plates" through the day which will have (not all on the same plate, but these are his favourites) strawberries, blueberries, rice crackers, cheese cubes, sliced apple, sliced carrot, sliced cucumber, grapes, a dollop of hommus and at the moment, one or two mini Easter eggs.
WANTING: My Dad's radiation to be over and successful. This pandemic to end. To hug my family. To hang out with my friends. To visit my Nan. To see my Grandad. To go to a cafe. To take Isaac to a playground. So many things that I used to take for granted daily.
DECIDING: How much longer I can keep going with our current routine. Whether or not we feel comfortable to send Isaac back to childcare in a few weeks.
ENJOYING: As hard as it can be, I am enjoying this extra time with Isaac. There are some really beautiful moments among the chaos and it feels special to be getting this time that I was never expecting. I started to freak out not long ago that he would be starting "big" school next year and that I don't get enough time with him. There is a silver lining to these strange times.
WATCHING: Reid and I have been watching Ozark after we finished The Tiger King (what the actual...? That whole thing is just so crazy!). I also stayed up too late during the four day Easter weekend and watched Unorthodox which was incredible. I have ordered the book.
READING: I have been reading The Way of Rest by Jeff Foster still, I think I mentioned it in my last post. I am savouring every word of that beautiful book. It makes me feel calm and connected and somehow OK. It's wonderful.
PLANNING: Not a whole lot, but in my mind, I like to think ahead to when this is all over and how we will celebrate. The people we will see, the places we will go, the trips we can take. I can't wait. Really though, I will just want to hug my Mum and Dad.
LOVING: The fact that I haven't fallen apart. That I am able to see that this won't last forever. That my anxiety hasn't taken over and I keep going, and I keep things as simple and safe as possible for Isaac. He misses his Nanny and Poppy a lot, which makes him very emotional and confused. FaceTime helps and also confuses him. It's a tough time.
FEELING: Mostly, overwhelmed. The magnitude of this whole situation is beyond my comprehension some days. I feel trapped and suffocated as Isaac clings to me for support and safety while his world has been effectively turned upside down. I feel loved, so very loved, by my little boy, and my heart bursts with love for him, as tired and grumpy as I am. I feel sad, I miss my parents so much, I miss my Nan and our weekly visits, I miss my friends and my colleagues. I miss normality. I feel lucky to have our home and our backyard and to have Reid's support. This situation is not easy on any marriage, and we have absolutely had our moments, but I know... things will be OK. One day, this will all be a memory that we will talk about over a glass of wine. Probably two or three glasses... I hope you are all safe and well, wherever you are... xo.
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