DOING: Finally making time to sit and write a blog post. It's been a while. It's been a long time since I've done a happenings post, too. I have been doing more journaling than most other writing lately, I never seem to know where to start.
HEARING: Reid is watching "Kingdom", basically his dream fighting show (he does Kyokushin - full contact karate) on Netflix and I can hear that in the background. I have been listening to some really great Podcasts lately too. "The Deep" by Zoe Marshall is possibly my favourite of all time. "Emsolation" by Em Rusciano is hilarious and wonderful. I've also been listening to Hedley Thomas' new one, called "The Night Driver" which is good, but no "Teacher's Pet".
DRINKING: My answer to this question never changes haha. My mornings are filled with coffee. I drink mostly just water after that, occasionally herbal tea. Sauvignon Blanc remains on regular rotation. Now that I think about drinks, I could really go some nice Kombucha, I haven't bought any for ages. I am absolutely adding that to my shopping list for next week.
EATING & COOKING: This is a hard one for me to answer right now. Since Gary passed away (it still feels so incredibly surreal to even type that sentence), I have really struggled to cook much. He had a serious car accident when I was eight years old, and he was pretty much housebound for a while - he taught me how to cook during that time. We would cook dinner together every night. It would usually end with me in tears after not learning fast enough for Gary's liking, (patience wasn't his strong suit at times, particularly after that accident), but he really did teach me a lot. When I'm in the kitchen now, I feel strange. I can't really describe it. The month after he died I pretty much lived on toasted sandwiches, noodles and pizza. I have started cooking incredibly basic things again - crappy frozen vegetables with chicken schnitzels or occasionally I will throw some things in the slow cooker or make a stir fry or something (I did make a really good pork stir fry with Hoisin sauce and heaps of vegetables a couple of months ago), but I find cooking a triggering thing to be doing right now. I have been using up freezer stores of bolognese and eggs on toast or "snack plates" with sandwiches, veggie sticks, fruit, cheese etc for Isaac at dinner time before throwing stuff together afterwards. Reid helps as well where he can, but he never really learnt to cook growing up so we are kind of in a bit of a food rut. Who knew grief could permeate such unexpected places... how it can make something as necessary as cooking and nourishing yourself and your family feel next to impossible.
WANTING: Gary to be here. I don't think my answer to that prompt will ever change now, either.
LOOKING: Longingly online at beach shacks. I've become slightly obsessed with the idea of having a permanent place to go that is right by the water somewhere. There is this absolutely beautiful Instagram account I have been looking through called @tasmanian_shacklife and it is full of the most amazing photos of shacks around Tasmania. They're so full of character and charm and the vibes are really what I just... want. I know that financially, it's not a possibility for us right now, but some time in the future I would love our own holiday home to escape to whenever we want.
ENJOYING: Time with my family. We went away together last weekend for the first time in a really long time. It was obviously not the same without Gary - nothing will ever be the same again, but if nothing else, his loss has taught me to really cherish the people in my life who matter the most.
WATCHING: Once again, when Gary passed away, the only thing I could stand to watch was re-runs of "The Big Bang Theory" because I didn't have to concentrate and for some reason I find that show really comforting. I watched it during the first few weeks after Isaac was born when I was struggling so much - it's kind of become my go-to. More recently though, Reid and I have been watching "The Umbrella Academy" which we've enjoyed. I have also started "Ratched" which is full on, but I'm hooked. I have watched a few documentaries lately too.
READING: I have been reading a lot and it makes me so happy to write that. I won't actually list every book I've read lately, but the standouts have been Untamed by Glennon Doyle, The Trauma Cleaner by Sarah Krasnostein and Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens. I have just started Girl, Woman, Other by Bernadine Evaristo and I'm loving it so far. Reading is so good for me in every way. I'm finally prioritising it the way I always should have - work and motherhood took over the energy I would reserve for much extra, but I am trying to practice what I preach and actually remember how important self-care is. I read every night before bed and also whenever Isaac is playing independently or having some screen time. It's made such a difference to my overall mood.
BUYING: Well, I may or may not be typing this post on my brand new MacBook Air... oops. I want to save money so much more quickly than we do, but then I fall into the "life is short" trap and end up buying things in the moment that make me (and Reid too - he got a fancy PC/monitor etc a couple of months ago) happy. Not to mention how incredibly quickly Isaac is growing and how fast he wears out clothes and shoes! I feel like I am constantly adding to his wardrobe as he comes home from childcare with more holes in his trackpants and yet another pair of shoes nearly worn out after a few weeks... I try to make mostly quality purchases for him in the hopes they will last longer and obviously supporting small businesses right now (and always) is really important, but sometimes it's just not financially plausible!
PLAYING: With LEGO and kinetic sand (I love that stuff haha) if we are inside, on the trampoline if we are outside. Isaac is also loving more role playing games too which is adorable. He likes to pretend to be a baby (or a puppy haha) and I am the Mummy. Digging is still a favourite pastime of his, his impressive truck collection has certainly never gone to waste. I have started playing the piano more too. Something else I struggled with after Gary's funeral was feeling as if I couldn't play the piano "musically" anymore. It felt robotic and forced and almost like my hands weren't my own. A couple of weeks ago a composition kind of came out of nowhere, as they often do, and slowly working on that for Gary has me feeling ever so slightly more like I can sit at the piano and feel at home again.
CRAVING: As much as I don't feel able to put much effort into cooking right now, I am craving really nourishing, comforting food. Chicken and vegetable soup would be amazing, making my own broth from scratch. Big trays of roasted vegetables with slow cooked lamb, beautiful salads with feta and beetroot and baby spinach, potato and vegetable bake with heaps of fresh herbs and cheese - basically things I love that I can't bring myself to do. I know I will be able to do it without feeling sick eventually. Grief is so weird, have I mentioned that...?? It is.
LOVING: The age four. Isaac is at this incredibly beautiful stage where his comprehension and impulse control are obviously so much more advanced than they used to be which makes for mostly hilarious conversations and negotiations, lots of wondering out loud and lots of beautiful, deep questions about the world around him. He is an introvert like me, but when he is with "his people" he is the funniest little character and he gets so much joy from making us laugh. He is so helpful and even his educators at childcare have said to us that he is their number one helper and is such a sweet boy (at times). I am so proud of him in every way.
FEELING: I think I've made it pretty clear that a lot of the time I am still completely overwhelmed with grief and the knowledge that my brother isn't here anymore. Seeing my parents' grief is so hard, I would do anything to take away their pain. I also feel even more grateful than ever before. For my other brother Paul, who has been doing his best to hold us all together and he is doing an amazing job of it. We would be lost without him. I am grateful that this has brought us closer, as much as I wish it had never happened, of course. I feel so in love with Reid even though this period has not been easy on our marriage, as I struggle daily to be patient and understanding and he struggles to see that my attacks aren't personal - and I can't blame him for that whatsoever. I lean on him more than ever and I know the load he is carrying with his current work stresses is really heavy. We have each other's backs though, and that knowledge is more comforting than I can explain.
I feel sad a lot of the time, but the moments of joy and the overwhelming gratitude for my life and the people in it, helps me to stay grounded. I feel so very lost sometimes, but then I look into Isaac's beautiful, big, blue eyes and I know that I am exactly where I need to be.
Happenings Posts inspired by Heidi
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