It has been a big few months. Particularly the last few weeks. I am tired.
I mentioned in my last post that I was organising a fundraising event for PANDA and that I was looking forward to it. Phew. That event completely took it out of me physically, mentally, emotionally - writing a speech and poem and song to share my journey and help raise awareness around perinatal mental health issues absolutely wrecked me. This took me by surprise initially, as I have obviously shared things openly since Isaac was born; the whole point has been to talk about it and reduce the stigma attached to it all. Doing something on this scale seemed different though, and I was naïve to think it wouldn't affect me so much. Focussing intensely on the traumatic start to Isaac's life for an extended period of time was really difficult. I started to question everything I have been doing - should I be writing here? Should I still be talking about this stuff? Am I not giving myself the opportunity to move on? I legitimately felt that I was doing the wrong thing. That in order to try to help other people, I was holding myself back from being able to let go and recover. It feels like a lose-lose situation: keep talking, keep sharing, even if I feel like it affects me negatively at times, or, shut down my Instagram account and stop writing about my journey here, stop volunteering for PANDA, try not to think about things so much - but, that feels really selfish. And for the most part, I enjoy connecting with other parents and feeling like I have the capacity to make even a small difference. I feel like it's probably just a "season" of sorts, and it will probably pass when the dust settles from the event and I feel like I can keep moving forward while continuing to share when I feel it's needed for me and for others. I've taken a bit of a step back and am trying to look at these decisions a bit more objectively where I can. It's obviously difficult for me to do that, and I feel like no matter how hard I try, people just won't get it. People who haven't been through this heartache and who aren't grieving for an experience they could have had, just don't care enough to become invested in someone else's experience, and probably just wish I would shut the hell up. I have let myself get disappointed and upset when it feels like people who are supposed to be closest to me, don't really seem to care or realise how hard this is for me. And I have to try to realise that it's OK if they don't get it. Just because I care so passionately and would like to think if someone close to me had been through this, I would respond differently, I need to try to not get so caught up in my expectations of other people and just focus on my own life and doing the best I can for myself and for the people I care about.
The event itself, went better than I could have expected. The song I wrote on the piano was received so beautifully by the people who attended, I practiced my speech and poem over and over again until I was able to read through it without bursting into tears. I practiced the song and changed parts of it until I felt it perfectly reflected my journey in a creative way. Writing music is intensely personal, it is hard to put into words the effect that writing this song has had on me. Both a sense of closure, as well as opening wounds have been the result of composing this music. It helps to heal, as well as reminds me of times I would rather forget, but I know I never will. Once again, it causes confusion about where to go from here. I don't think organising and running a big event like that again is in my best interests. I want to continue doing whatever I can to help raise funds and awareness for organisations like PANDA, but having now experienced firsthand how throwing myself all in can affect me, I need to be able to separate myself a bit more from it all.
I have honestly been enjoying Isaac so much lately, the constant reminder of painful memories is like a cloud I can't shake, and that's something I am working really hard on. How can I accept what I've been through and let it go as best as possible? I guess I'm just trying to figure out the best possible balance for myself and my family. How can I actively help, yet actively move on? I know it's not like I'm going to just forget about what we have been through, but I want to be able to focus on my present while still using my past to continue raising awareness and doing my part to reduce the stigma around mental health issues.
I also feel like I'm trying to figure out where I want my future to be going, career wise. I am definitely not going to be leaving my job any time soon - it is the perfect position to have while I have a young child thanks to the option for flexibility and the wonderful people I work with, but I also think about how I would love to be spending my days. Honestly, I would love to be writing more. I don't know what this looks like, how I could even eventually earn a living doing it, but it's what I love, and I think we could all be doing more of what we love.
So, a crossroads is the best way to describe my current situation, both personally and professionally. The bottom line in both instances is trying to put all my energy into being the best possible Mum, wife and person I can possibly be.
I mentioned in my last post that I was organising a fundraising event for PANDA and that I was looking forward to it. Phew. That event completely took it out of me physically, mentally, emotionally - writing a speech and poem and song to share my journey and help raise awareness around perinatal mental health issues absolutely wrecked me. This took me by surprise initially, as I have obviously shared things openly since Isaac was born; the whole point has been to talk about it and reduce the stigma attached to it all. Doing something on this scale seemed different though, and I was naïve to think it wouldn't affect me so much. Focussing intensely on the traumatic start to Isaac's life for an extended period of time was really difficult. I started to question everything I have been doing - should I be writing here? Should I still be talking about this stuff? Am I not giving myself the opportunity to move on? I legitimately felt that I was doing the wrong thing. That in order to try to help other people, I was holding myself back from being able to let go and recover. It feels like a lose-lose situation: keep talking, keep sharing, even if I feel like it affects me negatively at times, or, shut down my Instagram account and stop writing about my journey here, stop volunteering for PANDA, try not to think about things so much - but, that feels really selfish. And for the most part, I enjoy connecting with other parents and feeling like I have the capacity to make even a small difference. I feel like it's probably just a "season" of sorts, and it will probably pass when the dust settles from the event and I feel like I can keep moving forward while continuing to share when I feel it's needed for me and for others. I've taken a bit of a step back and am trying to look at these decisions a bit more objectively where I can. It's obviously difficult for me to do that, and I feel like no matter how hard I try, people just won't get it. People who haven't been through this heartache and who aren't grieving for an experience they could have had, just don't care enough to become invested in someone else's experience, and probably just wish I would shut the hell up. I have let myself get disappointed and upset when it feels like people who are supposed to be closest to me, don't really seem to care or realise how hard this is for me. And I have to try to realise that it's OK if they don't get it. Just because I care so passionately and would like to think if someone close to me had been through this, I would respond differently, I need to try to not get so caught up in my expectations of other people and just focus on my own life and doing the best I can for myself and for the people I care about.
The event itself, went better than I could have expected. The song I wrote on the piano was received so beautifully by the people who attended, I practiced my speech and poem over and over again until I was able to read through it without bursting into tears. I practiced the song and changed parts of it until I felt it perfectly reflected my journey in a creative way. Writing music is intensely personal, it is hard to put into words the effect that writing this song has had on me. Both a sense of closure, as well as opening wounds have been the result of composing this music. It helps to heal, as well as reminds me of times I would rather forget, but I know I never will. Once again, it causes confusion about where to go from here. I don't think organising and running a big event like that again is in my best interests. I want to continue doing whatever I can to help raise funds and awareness for organisations like PANDA, but having now experienced firsthand how throwing myself all in can affect me, I need to be able to separate myself a bit more from it all.
I have honestly been enjoying Isaac so much lately, the constant reminder of painful memories is like a cloud I can't shake, and that's something I am working really hard on. How can I accept what I've been through and let it go as best as possible? I guess I'm just trying to figure out the best possible balance for myself and my family. How can I actively help, yet actively move on? I know it's not like I'm going to just forget about what we have been through, but I want to be able to focus on my present while still using my past to continue raising awareness and doing my part to reduce the stigma around mental health issues.
I also feel like I'm trying to figure out where I want my future to be going, career wise. I am definitely not going to be leaving my job any time soon - it is the perfect position to have while I have a young child thanks to the option for flexibility and the wonderful people I work with, but I also think about how I would love to be spending my days. Honestly, I would love to be writing more. I don't know what this looks like, how I could even eventually earn a living doing it, but it's what I love, and I think we could all be doing more of what we love.
So, a crossroads is the best way to describe my current situation, both personally and professionally. The bottom line in both instances is trying to put all my energy into being the best possible Mum, wife and person I can possibly be.
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