I've been finding it difficult to blog lately.
I have realised more and more how much I wish writing could somehow be my full-time reality, and then the pressure that came along with that realisation kind of got me stuck in a bit of a writer's block rut. I have lots of ideas, LOTS of thoughts, feelings... all that jazz, but I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I have to rip the band-aid off and at least get something happening; so apologies in advance if this post is even more "rambly" than usual.
Things have been a bit hard. I feel like Reid and I have been struggling to be on the same page over the past few months mostly because we are both working so hard, he has been heavily focused on big projects at his work and as well as extra training for karate and being away for a competition recently, and I have felt a bit out of the loop. Isaac is a normal three year old who is incredibly delightful and frustrating and I have felt like a lot of parenting stuff has fallen to me lately - and that's fine, I know that things ebb and flow and different life stages require different priorities, but it's been a struggle. Our relationship has generally been a very happy one, (it still is, don't get me wrong), but navigating challenges within it isn't something I cope with very well. I'm not great at being rational at the best of times, let alone when I'm tired and feeling a bit lonely.
I am still in limbo as far as my medication is concerned. I have a psychiatrist appointment (finally) coming up in June and I'm so keen to get some kind of plan in place because I just know Effexor is not good for me. I am absolutely terrified to come off it completely, however, so I am kind of just on edge all the time, trying not to worry about it because I can't physically do anything about it... but - hello, anxiety.
Isaac is growing at a dizzying pace and it's so beautiful to watch. I still feel that occasional heartbreak knowing that he is going to be our only child, knowing my limitations in that regard has been such a difficult thing to accept. I have written numerous pro/con lists and done a lot of soul searching and had very frank discussions with my psychologist and I just know, Isaac is our precious one and only. The gratefulness I feel to have him overwhelms the sadness of knowing I won't have more, but it still tugs at my heart strings some days more than others.
I feel like there are so many more things to say, so many more insignificant life events that seem so significant to me that I could talk about, but I am trying to post things meaningfully and really focus on making this place somewhere that holds purpose for me and hopefully for anyone who wants to read it.
I have actually been writing most days, by hand, in a little notebook. Not a lot, but just random things that cross my mind or if I feel overwhelmed with anxiety I feel like it helps me to try to come back to the moment and just write something down. It calms me. I have been trying hard to incorporate meditation into my daily routine, and I can't say it's going smoothly and I don't think it ever will (I guess that's also kind of the point depending on how you look at it); but writing is what I find most therapeutic. I keep trying to think of important topics, potential story lines for fiction, types of poetry that I enjoy the most, long passages of prose that have a point at the end - I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself and I'm not even really sure why. Realistically, it's not like I'm going to be leaving my job any time soon to become a "writer" - what does that even mean? Technically, I write - therefore I am a writer? Getting deep now! Haha, but really, I'm not trying to be philosophical about it at the end of the day. Everything I seem to focus on as far as a "big writing project" feels stale and "done" and boring. I just write from the heart and it's unfiltered and raw and sometimes I publish it here and sometimes I put it in a notebook. Sometimes I add it as a note to my phone and sometimes it stays swirling around in my head until I eventually get it out - and it's like I am waiting for this epiphany sometimes, but it really doesn't have to be that complicated. I just need to write for myself and forget the rest.
I have realised more and more how much I wish writing could somehow be my full-time reality, and then the pressure that came along with that realisation kind of got me stuck in a bit of a writer's block rut. I have lots of ideas, LOTS of thoughts, feelings... all that jazz, but I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I have to rip the band-aid off and at least get something happening; so apologies in advance if this post is even more "rambly" than usual.
Things have been a bit hard. I feel like Reid and I have been struggling to be on the same page over the past few months mostly because we are both working so hard, he has been heavily focused on big projects at his work and as well as extra training for karate and being away for a competition recently, and I have felt a bit out of the loop. Isaac is a normal three year old who is incredibly delightful and frustrating and I have felt like a lot of parenting stuff has fallen to me lately - and that's fine, I know that things ebb and flow and different life stages require different priorities, but it's been a struggle. Our relationship has generally been a very happy one, (it still is, don't get me wrong), but navigating challenges within it isn't something I cope with very well. I'm not great at being rational at the best of times, let alone when I'm tired and feeling a bit lonely.
I am still in limbo as far as my medication is concerned. I have a psychiatrist appointment (finally) coming up in June and I'm so keen to get some kind of plan in place because I just know Effexor is not good for me. I am absolutely terrified to come off it completely, however, so I am kind of just on edge all the time, trying not to worry about it because I can't physically do anything about it... but - hello, anxiety.
Isaac is growing at a dizzying pace and it's so beautiful to watch. I still feel that occasional heartbreak knowing that he is going to be our only child, knowing my limitations in that regard has been such a difficult thing to accept. I have written numerous pro/con lists and done a lot of soul searching and had very frank discussions with my psychologist and I just know, Isaac is our precious one and only. The gratefulness I feel to have him overwhelms the sadness of knowing I won't have more, but it still tugs at my heart strings some days more than others.
I feel like there are so many more things to say, so many more insignificant life events that seem so significant to me that I could talk about, but I am trying to post things meaningfully and really focus on making this place somewhere that holds purpose for me and hopefully for anyone who wants to read it.
I have actually been writing most days, by hand, in a little notebook. Not a lot, but just random things that cross my mind or if I feel overwhelmed with anxiety I feel like it helps me to try to come back to the moment and just write something down. It calms me. I have been trying hard to incorporate meditation into my daily routine, and I can't say it's going smoothly and I don't think it ever will (I guess that's also kind of the point depending on how you look at it); but writing is what I find most therapeutic. I keep trying to think of important topics, potential story lines for fiction, types of poetry that I enjoy the most, long passages of prose that have a point at the end - I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself and I'm not even really sure why. Realistically, it's not like I'm going to be leaving my job any time soon to become a "writer" - what does that even mean? Technically, I write - therefore I am a writer? Getting deep now! Haha, but really, I'm not trying to be philosophical about it at the end of the day. Everything I seem to focus on as far as a "big writing project" feels stale and "done" and boring. I just write from the heart and it's unfiltered and raw and sometimes I publish it here and sometimes I put it in a notebook. Sometimes I add it as a note to my phone and sometimes it stays swirling around in my head until I eventually get it out - and it's like I am waiting for this epiphany sometimes, but it really doesn't have to be that complicated. I just need to write for myself and forget the rest.
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