I like wine.
Lately, I would go so far as to say, I love wine.
Let me just start by saying this is not intended to come across as a judgemental post at all, I am purely sharing my thoughts and experiences with alcohol and the current situation I find myself in with it. Bottom line - you do you!
There are quite a few articles/thoughts/people who have discussed the "wine/mummy culture" that seems to be synonymous with parenting today. I found the thought disturbingly accurate, and I definitely started noticing how often social media accounts I follow (a lot of which are "mummy bloggers/influencers") talked about alcohol consumption and how necessary it is to be a functioning parent. I totally understand that parenting is hard. It's insanely hard some days, and sometimes that drink to take the edge off is more than understandable. I guess I have started wondering what kind of example I would like to set for Isaac when it comes to alcohol. I'm definitely not thinking that shielding him from it altogether is the way to go, I would like to think I could show him that drinking in moderation is something that can be 100% his choice when he's old enough. I would hate to think that he would grow up believing that alcohol is a nonnegotiable part to a social function, that you can't possibly have fun without it - that kind of stuff. I want him to approach it in a sensible way if at all possible (I completely understand there will likely be those teenage moments where decision making capabilities are not the best...) and I want to always keep the communication around this kind of thing open. I don't want him to hide it from me. I do know that Reid and I are his biggest role models and we have a responsibility to discuss and think about our alcohol consumption when he's around, and I really don't want him to think he is "the reason" I drink. That thought breaks my heart.
When Isaac was first born and I was so mentally unwell, drinking isn't something I even considered doing to cope. For that, I'm really grateful. I honestly can't remember having a single drink for the first six months of his life. I do remember when he was just over six months old, I developed something called "chronic idiopathic urticaria" - which is basically a fancy name for constant, unexplained hives. Every morning I would be covered in them, head to toe and the itching/pain was almost unbearable. A few times I ended up hospitalised because my lips/throat/face would swell up similar to an anaphylactic reaction and the immunologist I saw at the time thought it was all related. I was taking up to 12 antihistamines a day, plus a whole host of other medication (besides what I was already taking for the anxiety/depression) to try to get it under control. Alcohol would make it MUCH worse. I remember having a few sips of wine one night and the hives multiplied like mad. After about eight months of this, they just...disappeared. It took a long time for me to be brave enough to try having a drink again, but when I did, and the hives didn't come back, it was gooood.
Fast forward about two years, and I have noticed just how much drinking has crept back into my life in a big way. It is completely normal in my mind to polish off a bottle (sometimes more) of Sav Blanc every Friday night. Plus two glasses or so most other nights. At least five nights a week, I find myself hanging out for the "acceptable" time for me to pour a drink. I have justified it to myself in a number of ways. Telling myself it makes me more patient, happier, more relaxed - all of which is generally true in the moment, but the more I thought about it and then discussed it with my psychologist, I have learnt that the impacts it has on my mental health over the following few days is definitely nothing positive.
Anxiety already makes me a very irritable person. If I'm having a particularly bad anxiety day it doesn't take much to tip my temper completely over the edge. If I have had a few drinks the night before, this is magnified tenfold, therefore it's not actually making me more patient, it's making me more impatient. I'm not often drinking to excess as such, like, dealing with a hangover the next day, but it's like I'm getting an emotional hangover.
My psychologist recommended the podcast This Naked Mind which delves into the questions I had been asking myself and more. The first episode resonated with me so much, I highly recommend that you listen to it if you have ever questioned the reasons behind your own alcohol consumption.
Now, having said all that - I am not entirely sure where I'm going from here. I'm not sure I'm ready or if I even want to completely stop drinking. I think the point for me is to be more mindful about it. Why do I want that drink? How does it make me feel the next day/following days? Is the temporary pleasure really worth it? My long term focus is on being as mentally and emotionally strong as I possibly can be among the already prevalent mental health issues I struggle with, and I would hate to think I'm exacerbating it purely for the sake of wine. To start with, I plan on not drinking at all for the rest of the week, just to see how I feel and how much I miss it. I guess after that, I will just wait and see.
Watch this space.
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