What Katy Writes

It's been a big year. Big as far as emotional, mental, psychological and philosophical change go, anyway. In other ways it has been quite unremarkable. Lots of work, lots of toddler play, lots of family time, lots of complaining about being too busy, lots of questioning... everything, lots of planning, lots of attempts to remain grounded and calm and lots of feeling every possible emotion as is my general empath outlook on life. Losing Grandma was without a doubt the hardest thing about this year, and trying to get used to the knowledge that she's not here is something I will continue to struggle with, which I'll go into more detail about soon. There are a few main topics that come to mind when I think about the year in its entirety, so I'm going to have some headings with my thoughts underneath. A somewhat structured approach to my general rambling writing style can't hurt, surely? Haha. PSYCHOLOGICAL:  I started seeing a new psychologist at the beginning...

DOING: Typing this post while looking at our newly erected Christmas tree. HEARING: The click of Reid's video game controls and a clip of trucks that Isaac is watching on the iPad. DRINKING: Right now, a peppermint tea. Often - coffee, water, green tea, wine. EATING AND COOKING: Right now I have some lamb in the slow cooker and will soon roast some dutch cream potatoes, and steam some carrots, corn and broccolini and make some gravy for what has become a Sunday evening tradition over the last few months.  It is really tricky for us to eat as a family most nights through the week. Isaac is generally exhausted from childcare and still goes to bed fairly early (although he is fighting that so much at the minute) and he often has leftovers or even just a sandwich/toast/eggs depending on his mood the second we get him in the door, so I am trying to make an effort to have meals together over the weekend. We all love a roast, and there is generally enough for a leftover mini roast o...

I had one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life this week. I'm still reeling to be honest. When I was first diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder, it was recommended that I should see a gynaecologist to try to gain some more insight and a tailored treatment/contraception plan. Straight away, I got a referral to the wonderful OBGYN who delivered Isaac and referred me to the Mother Baby Unit when I was so unwell after his birth, and who helped me validate that my experience was not normal - both the birth and the weeks after. I had to wait nearly three months for an appointment, which is fairly standard for most specialist appointments and I didn't think much of it until about a week beforehand. The practice I needed to attend is in the same place as the hospital where I gave birth, and I hadn't been back since my post-Isaac six week check up where I was in a fog of exhaustion, fear and depression, and where Mum and I were in a (minor) car accident imm...

DOING: Writing this while Reid and Isaac play outside - digging with trucks, of course. HEARING: The broom as Reid sweeps up excess sand and dirt from the concrete that Isaac loves to make into "rubbish dumps". Reid doesn't cope overly well with our son's favourite pastime at the minute haha. Our backyard is basically full of random holes in dirt patches and random piles of dirt and sand on the cement/pavers. DRINKING: Right now, a peppermint tea. Regularly: coffee, water, Kirk's no sugar lemonade (I know, I know, death in a can, artificial sweetener etc) and Sauvignon Blanc. Loving kombucha too. LOOKING: Forward to next April. We are going to Singapore! That's right, you read correctly. I, Katy Paul, anxious traveller x infinity, is going to Singapore with Reid and Isaac for Easter next year. We are going to meet my sister, brother-in-law and niece there and they have been there heaps of times which eases my anxiety a lot. There is amazing things fo...

I'm pretty sure that every decent parent worries that they're somehow screwing up their children. There's no such thing as a perfect parent and therefore no such thing as a perfect childhood.  I absolutely know that Reid and I are trying our best, that we struggle to be patient even though we know it's unhelpful to be reactive. We shower our little boy with so much love though, and I have to hope against hope that this will be enough to help guide him as he grows and I hope he can always talk to us about the things he's going through. I know he's only little, he has so much growing and developing to do, but when things play on my mind, I just have to write about them - get it all out so I can try to look at things from a different perspective. Isaac has had a big year since turning three, and I was warned by lots of people that this was going to be a tough year as far as toddler antics, big emotions, lots of curiosity and rapid brain development. I do...

Hormones. They can be a bitch. We all know that. I have known for a while that something just really wasn't right with mine.  You would think postnatal depression which is largely a hormonal issue would have raised some red flags.  You would think that I should know by now to trust my gut and push for answers when I know something is wrong. Live and learn, Katy... PMS/PMT, whatever you want to call it, is obviously a thing. Huge numbers of women become cranky, moody, irritable, bloated and desperate for comfort food before and during their period. Me? I become a monster. So. Much. Rage.  My anxiety takes hold of my heart, my lungs, my throat and squeezes until I can hardly get through a day. My impatience reaches unforeseen levels, my bottomless pit of hunger is never satisfied, my emotional outbursts are multiple and the tears over ridiculous things can seem endless. I feel like the worst person in the world when I'm going through it. I know I am unpleasant to ...

DOING: Reflecting on the beautiful day I've had with Reid and Isaac.  Isaac seems to be going through something at the minute.  I'm not sure if I can put it down to a growth spurt or something developmental but he's been even more attached to my side than usual.  Wanting lots of cuddles and reassurance and his sleep hasn't been great either (is it ever..??). I'm happily (for the most part) obliging and showering him with affection and relishing these moments that I know won't last forever. I made a real effort to be completely present with him this weekend and not distracted too much by chores/my phone. HEARING: The song "Borderline" by Florrie that's started playing on my current playlist. I am still obsessed with podcasts.  Current favourites are "The Shrink Next Door", "Live Free Creative" and "Man in the Window". I have a varying range of interests haha. DRINKING: A lot less wine! My alcohol free week was s...

I like wine. Lately, I would go so far as to say, I love wine. Let me just start by saying this is not intended to come across as a judgemental post at all, I am purely sharing my thoughts and experiences with alcohol and the current situation I find myself in with it. Bottom line - you do you! There are quite a few articles/thoughts/people who have discussed the "wine/mummy culture" that seems to be synonymous with parenting today. I found the thought disturbingly accurate, and I definitely started noticing how often social media accounts I follow (a lot of which are "mummy bloggers/influencers") talked about alcohol consumption and how necessary it is to be a functioning parent. I totally understand that parenting is hard. It's insanely hard some days, and sometimes that drink to take the edge off is more than understandable. I guess I have started wondering what kind of example I would like to set for Isaac when it comes to alcohol. I'm definitel...

I've been finding it difficult to blog lately. I have realised more and more how much I wish writing could somehow be my full-time reality, and then the pressure that came along with that realisation kind of got me stuck in a bit of a writer's block rut.  I have lots of ideas, LOTS of thoughts, feelings... all that jazz, but I don't know where to go from here.  I feel like I have to rip the band-aid off and at least get something happening; so apologies in advance if this post is even more "rambly" than usual. Things have been a bit hard. I feel like Reid and I have been struggling to be on the same page over the past few months mostly because we are both working so hard, he has been heavily focused on big projects at his work and as well as extra training for karate and being away for a competition recently, and I have felt a bit out of the loop. Isaac is a normal three year old who is incredibly delightful and frustrating and I have felt like a lot of parent...

Music is another form of therapy for me. Writing and music along with professional help and medication are the things I turn to for help and to cope. Whenever I hear things that make me feel slightly more understood, that resonate with me profoundly and help get things out in the open about mental health issues, I feel that they are definitely worth sharing and talking about. The song "Heavy" by Linkin Park has been one of my favourites since the first time I heard it.  It's not new, but it has been in my head for days now and it's compelled me to write about it. The lyrics are so spot on when it comes to my own journey, it's honestly as if I could have written it myself. I'm going to share the song lyrics here, then write some of my own thoughts and reflections about how I have connected with this song and used it as personal therapy at times. Heavy - Linkin Park I don't like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary,  W...

DOING: Sitting on the bed and writing this post. Isaac has been particularly challenging over the last few days (just normal three year old stuff) so I'm taking a few minutes to take a breath. Although I have no doubt he will be creeping into the room shortly! He is very attached to his Mama of late. Beautiful, exhausting - always opposing feelings jostling for frontrunner. HEARING: The song "Steady Now" by nilu - I am loving it, have had it on high rotation this week. I am also right into podcasts at the minute. So many good ones out there that make my lunch time gym sessions more enjoyable haha. My favourites so far would have to be "Cold", "Dirty John", "Gilmore Guys" (obviously), "The Dropout" - I've only just started this one, "Who the Hell is Hamish?" and the obsession started with "The Teacher's Pet". I've also listened to some good parenting episodes on "Unruffled" and "Feed...